GriefShare: A Q&A on Grief and the Holidays
For many, the upcoming holidays bring with them grief and often painful reminders of loss. Geri McDaniel and Sherry Hearn, co-coordinators of the upcoming GriefShare (beginning in February) and GriefShare: Surviving the Holidays ( This Friday, November 8) sat down to talk through practical ways to approach grief and offer support to family and friends who are grieving.
Could you help us understand a little more about GriefShare: Surviving the Holidays?
Gerri: Surviving the Holidays will address the issues people who are grieving experience during Thanksgiving and Christmas especially, and it doesn’t matter what the grief is from- whether it’s a friend or family member or spouse- that person is not going to be in the holidays with [them] this year, and so there’s going to be some differences.
Sherry: There’s a void.
Gerri: Yes, and because of that, there’s going to be pain. GriefShare and Surviving the Holidays address those issues and give some ways people can navigate through them while also realizing what’s going on with them is normal.
Sherry: The first Christmas without my husband riding from one place to another with my niece, I remember just starting to scream, I can’t do this. I can’t go there. And, all she did was just say, I’m with you. That’s a hard thing when you are experiencing grief- to know how to answer someone. It’s not good to say, It’s going to be okay, because it’s not going to be okay in that moment. And it’s okay to be mad at God. It’s okay to be mad at the doctor, but you also have to realize that God is with you, too. God lost his son and he grieved. Jesus wept. So, we all weep, and we all have seasons of grief.
There’s also a lot of misunderstanding about crying. Crying is a way of releasing endorphins in your brain to help you cope with what you’re going through. God gave us tears to help us get through this, and it’s not a symptom of being weak in your faith. You’re honoring that person when you’re mourning, and you can do that during the holidays [in] all different kinds of ways.
That brings me to another question I wanted to ask: what is helpful to say to someone who has lost someone and is dreading the holidays?
Gerri: Sometimes Christians, while meaning well, will want to make somebody feel better and so often they give pat answers that may make them feel worse such as Well, you know your loved one’s in heaven with Jesus, They are in a better place, or This is God’s plan. All that’s true. But [that loved one] is not here with me this year, and it hurts.
Sherry: And one thing [we discuss] is to forgive people when they say the wrong things to you. If you are grieving and people come to you with good intentions, just say thank you and forgive them. [What] you can do for someone who’s grieving at Christmas is just say, I know it’s going to be hard for you, but why don’t you go with me to the church Christmas Eve service and sit with me , or come to my house before and we’ll have coffee and cake and then go together.
Gerri: Take the initiative to connect with someone who’s grieving, because that grieving person may not be able to take that initiative to make that happen for themselves. They’re not going to be able to call me up and say, I’d like to go out for a cup of coffee. But I can call them up and say Would you like to go with Mary Jane and me to get coffee?
Sometimes we try to deny [grief] and just put on a smiley face; we come to church, and we don’t want people to think we think we’re not trusting God because we haven’t gotten through this.
Sherry: Don’t be afraid to say [to someone grieving], I was thinking about Joe last week and I remember this... and tell them something funny. You would not believe how much that helps.
Could you say a little bit about what GriefShare has meant for you individually, or what you know now about your faith that you didn’t before?
Gerri: I think there’s a deeper trust in God having gone through grief, and knowing that God will see you through and will walk with you. It takes time [to see] the proof of it as you walk with him, and see evidence. When others reach out and are the hands and heart of Christ, that is letting me know God still loves me. It’s not just Sherry loving me. That’s a God hug. And then that strengthens my faith in God, that he’s going to see me through.
Sherry: The verse that comes to mind is “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted,” (Matthew 5:4). The most important thing I’ve learned about grief is that the comfort will come, and the comfort is unbelievable. I lost a husband and then I lost two sisters and a brother within the same year. I lost my father when I was 21, my mother when I was 40. And then in one year, I lost 10 people close to me- friends, cousins, nieces, and people I had known all my life.
We were talking today about how the Bible says once you mourn, you are able to comfort others when they go through their mourning (2 Corinthians 1:4), and that’s what GriefShare is all about. He puts people in our [path], and you’ve got to be able to stand in the way and be there. Don’t be afraid if you don’t know what to say to them or don’t know what to do. I think more than anything else, my grief has encouraged me to be[there for others] all the time. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone, be honest and open and sincere about what you’re trying to do for them.
Gerri: I think that’s healing, when because of the grief you’ve experienced, you can connect with and reach out to somebody else that’s healing. If you do the opposite and withdraw and go within yourself, it’s just going to get worse. GriefShare specifically provides a safe place for grieving people to come where they can just be themselves, whatever that looks like, and it’s not going to be judgmental.
WHAT NOT TO SAY IF SOMEONE IS GRIEVING:
I know how you feel.
She would want you to go on with your life.
Be glad you had them as long as you did.
Time heals all wounds.
It’s all part of God’s plan.
It’s probably a blessing.
_____ wouldn’t want you to cry.
WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY OR DO?
I’m so sorry.
I really loved _____.
He was a good man, I know you will miss him.
Tell a funny story or a way you remember him or her.
Take them to dinner or invite them to your house.
Call to check in and just to talk.
Sit with them in church.
Initiate talking to them in social situations where they may feel out of place.
Go to plays/concerts/movies. Don’t give up traditions.
Do something in memory of their loved one- a donation or act of service.